I came to the ICU right after receiving my first surgery. An emergency stent was placed and I was so sick with sepsis. For days I stayed in the ICU, sweating out the constant fevers. The third day I didn't even feel like a person anymore. I had used all my energy to fight the infections and it seemed never-ending.
My strength to continue fighting wavered as I stood up and finally looked in a mirror for the time since my arrival. I was a mess, I wasn't recognizable. My hair was matted and in greasy clumps, my face oily and blotchy, swollen, pale with no color to my lips. It was the final straw, seeing myself looking half dead. I began to shut down mentally, I'd fallen so far from myself. I had for 72 hours been stripped away of my independence, embarrassed about going to the bathroom, pained by constant blood labs and I was so tired. I wasn't getting any better and didn't want to fight back anymore, I was ready to absolutely throw my arms up in surrender and let the infections rage on.
Jackie saw this, she saw the face I made after looking in the mirror; she recognized this defeat as if she had felt it previously. She had watched me unravel for days. We finished our night time walk and it was bath time, not real bath time but with wipes. Jackie washed my hair with soap and water.
Jackie knew how important it was to get me back on my feet and feel clean and ready. She spent 30 minutes washing my hair and using water instead of wipes for my body. It was comforting, it was the closest I could get to a real shower.
Her kindness and compassion toward my problems, her using a lot of effort to give me a proper bath, scrubbing my hair and massaging my scalp. She did everything in the world to dignify bathing someone else.
I'm so thankful for her empathy and patience as I leave the ICU today. I only hope the love Jackie has for her patients inspires others around her to go that extra mile, because sometimes although it might not seem important, it could mean the world to someone.