It was the day of our first baby shower where my husband worked, and they were throwing him a party. I had been feeling like there was something wrong that day while I was at work. Our baby wasn't moving as much as she had been, I contacted my OB and the nurse said there's probably nothing to worry about, but if after drinking something sugary, she doesn't move 10 times in one hour I should go to Maternity Triage at Baby Place. I waited until 4:30 when my husband brought home the baby shower gifts and brought in the cake. I told him in a cheery voice that we should go just check on the baby in triage. This where we first met Kate Niel.
We were nervous coming in, but I kept telling myself and my husband that everything would be okay. That it was better to be safe, than sorry. Stillbirth was the last thing on my mind. Stillbirth was only from the Victorian times. No one talks about stillbirth. In my mind all we were going to do was go in, hear the heartbeat and go home. It was Friday after a long week. I just wanted to go home and look at our baby's gifts.
Kate came in, introduced herself and told me to change into the gown and fill the specimen cup and set it on the counter. She came back a minute later, told met to relax on the bed and used a large Doppler; much larger than any I had seen at my OB's office. I held Tim's hand as he sat in the chair and I turned my head away. I had a bad feeling. I knew something was off, but I didn't want it to be true; to be real. Kate attempted to find a heartbeat. I knew 10 seconds in, that there should be the sounds of galloping horses, our daughter's heartbeat. I didn't look at my husband. I didn't want him to know yet. But he knew. Kate got another nurse to come in and tried with another Doppler. They also wheeled in a sonogram machine, they turned it on to warm up, I thought I heard a heartbeat! But it was my own. Kate explained that she will get us answers soon, not to worry. Sometimes that baby hides. But I knew.
By the time the ultrasound technician came in and placed the wand on my belly and then left, my husband started saying "What is going on?". Kate said that she unfortunately doesn't know, she's not trained to read ultrasounds, but she will get us a doctor and get answers for us now. They wheeled in the second ultrasound machine, and a doctor I didn't know came in. He said he has called my OB but she's an hour away, and he doesn't want us to wait any longer for answers. He used the new ultrasound machine and says the dreaded words. "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."
My husband is crying at this point and I go into shock. I tell him that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. Kate sits with us on the bed. Asks if she can get us anything. Asks if we would like some water. We say yes. She brings us large cups with water and ice. She sits on the bed with us again. She grabs my hand and I see tears fall from her eyes. I know at this moment that Kate is our angel on earth. She's not being "clinical" with us. She is trying to hide her emotions, but I'm thankful she's not. She stays with us. I believe we checked into triage at 6:00 and it is close to 11:00. My OB arrives. She tells me that I will have to deliver my little girl. This is my first pregnancy. The thing I have been most afraid of was labor throughout my whole pregnancy. I've heard stories about labor, how terrible it is, but when see your baby cry it makes all the pain go away. I don't hear my baby cry. I have nothing to look forward to after the pain of labor. How will I survive this?
My husband and I decide to go home for the night, to sleep in our bed, just me, him and our baby one last night. We schedule to come back Saturday night at 9:00pm. Kate tells us she will be here for us; she is working Saturday night as well. She tells us that she will be here for us and tells us a secret, to bring as many pillows as we want so that we will be comfortable.
Kate was there for us. She worked Labor and Delivery and requested that she be with us Saturday night. She administered the medication to soften my cervix every four hours. She tried to keep us as comfortable as possible. She talked to me, asked me questions and made me feel like my baby was a real person, is a real person. You have no idea how much that meant to me. Kate said that I was already 1cm dilated, so she gave me hope that my labor wouldn't last the 2-3 day timeframe that I was given as a possibility. She said she thought that it would have the baby tomorrow afternoon. Again, giving me hope where I had none.
You see, my reaction to having my baby dead, inside of me, made me want to just get her out. I didn't want to see her, hold her, have pictures taken at this point on Friday or Saturday night. It was a nightmare. A nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I had no hope. My hopes and dreams of normal life, my dreams of what my child will look like as she cries and smiles and opens her eyes are gone. Gone. Kate gave me a glimmer of hope every time she spoke to me. That's something I can never repay her for. It meant more to me at that moment than anything else. I had no hope. Kate gave me hope for a quick delivery, to get this nightmare over. I needed something to look forward to. She gave that to me.
I did deliver my daughter Sunday at 1:26pm, just as Kate predicted. It was a fast delivery, so fast that the epidural didn't have time to work. I had a natural delivery and as soon as I delivered my daughter I knew the meaning of true love. The split second that she was birthed from my body I fell in love with her. It didn't matter that she wasn't breathing, wasn't crying. She was my daughter. I held her close, kissed her face, her little hands and feet. And for the first time, I cried.
Kate said that she hoped they kept me there Sunday night as well, and if they didn't she would find us. She would once again request to be with us. To take care of us.
I was moved from L&D to Antepartum. Kate was given the option to choose where she worked Sunday night. She saw that we were still at the hospital so she chose to work Antepartum, to be with us. While my husband slept Sunday night, I talked with Kate, she told me that she saw our daughter, and that she was beautiful. Kate was sent home early Sunday morning, but she came and said goodbye. She said that she knew from the moment that she met us, that she had to take care of us. And she did.
Kate was our angel. Our earthly angel. We felt true heartbreak having to say hello and goodbye to our daughter in the same day. Kate watched over our hearts as they broke, and by that, she helped our hearts mend.
We believe that Kate Niel made this nightmare that we lived bearable. She made it a beautiful and memorable experience. Many people cannot say this about experiencing a stillbirth. We can and that's because of Kate, our earthly angel, and the most amazing nurse we ever met.