When most people hear I work in Labor and Delivery, they think I work in the happiest place on earth. There are those days where we see a mom hold the baby she and her husband have been trying to have for years! Yes, those days are some of the happiest we get to have. Yet, there are still those days when we work in a place that is the saddest for some parents. The days where you have to help a mother deliver her baby that has passed while still in the womb. Those days are some of the saddest we have to deal with.
Both as a nurse and a mother, I have experienced those happiest of days. Bringing my two children into the world were the best days of my life! But now, I have also experienced the saddest day, both as a nurse and a mother, and that is where this story begins.
My husband and I were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with our third child! We couldn't be more thrilled and I was even extra excited because the baby was due right before Thanksgiving which meant I would get all the winter holidays off. The pregnancy progressed like both of my others. I had really bad morning sickness and all the other lovely things that go with pregnancy. It was fun seeing how my kids interacted with their new sibling every day. They would talk to the baby like he was already here.
A day in summer started off like any other crazy summer day. We got up and got ready. We went to haircut appointments, out to lunch and then headed to the doctor's office for my 17-week appointment. My kids were excited to be able to hear the baby's heartbeat, which would have been my daughter's first time hearing it. We went back, they did all their normal stuff, and then my doctor came in. She attempted to find the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler. She ran that Doppler all over my stomach and couldn't find the heartbeat. She tried to make light of it and said she would just get the ultrasound to find it, plus we would be able to see the baby. As both a mother and a nurse I had a sinking feeling that this appointment wasn't going to end like I had hoped. She brought in the ultrasound and started looking at the baby. I have looked at and watched enough ultrasounds that I knew what she was looking for. After looking for a minute I knew that I was about to get the worst news of my life. She continued to look, and really tried to see something but then she looked at me and delivered the horrible news. "Your baby no longer has a heartbeat." Those are words no mother ever wants to hear.
As I broke down in the room, my doctor did everything she could to comfort me and my two children along with arranging the formal ultrasound to confirm the findings. She even talked to my husband on the phone as I was in no shape to deliver that news to him. After the formal ultrasound was completed I knew the next thing I needed to do was to go up to my floor and talk to my manager. I was supposed to work the next three days and I knew I would be in no condition to work. Once I delivered the news to my manager the next thing I wanted to do was find out who would be working on the day I would come to deliver. I love all the nurses I work with and know that anyone of them would do an amazing job, but I still wanted to be able to pick who I wanted so I could have some control in this situation.
I was happy and relieved when I saw that KP Gesch was working. KP and I have been friends for a number of years and she was my nurse when I delivered my son. As happy as I was seeing that she was working, I knew I needed to ask her and make sure she would be ok with taking care of me. I know that taking care of a patient with an IUFD can be difficult when they are a stranger, but it can be a lot worse when you know the person. After talking to KP, I was relieved to know that she would take care of me when I came in for delivery.
The next couple of days seemed to drag on. Then, a few days later, I went in to be delivered. It was hard walking up to my floor and seeing my co-workers for the first time since finding out the horrible news. They quickly got me back to my room so I didn't have to deal with too many people. They got me settled and I waited for the day shift to come on. Shortly after 7, KP walked into the room. Even though I knew she was going to be my nurse that day, actually seeing her gave me some relief. She was very quick with a big smile and a hug. While we hugged, we both cried. It was nice to know that she was feeling some of the same pain I was at that moment.
After that, we both joked that we got our good cries out. KP was amazing at talking and joking with both me and my husband to help get our minds off of what we were about to go through. She was great at getting things moving and even suggested that my doctor place my first dose of cytotec since the residents were busy doing check out. She encouraged both my husband and I to get some rest even though we both knew that wasn't going to happen. After a while she gave me a push to get up and go for a walk off the unit since I wasn't really feeling any contractions. I continued to hold out and dealt with the pain. Then KP came in and could see I was uncomfortable. She suggested I get my epidural. I felt like a wimp because I was getting my epidural after just one dose of cytotec. She was quick to reassure me that I am not a wimp and that I got one massive dose of cytotec. She was a great support to both me and my husband during my epidural placement.
She continued to help me through my contractions and encouraged me, telling me that I was doing a great job. After the epidural placement the residents came to check me. When I found out I had made no change, I was discouraged. I was thinking, "Oh great, this is going be a middle of the night or early morning delivery and KP won't be here for it." I know that whoever I got for a night nurse would be great if I delivered then, but I really wanted KP there with me. The residents placed a second dose of cytotec and said, "See you in three hours." I laid in bed trying to rest but couldn't because my epidural was one sided. I tried to deal with it on my own but couldn't, so I had KP call anesthesia to come dose my epidural. They came and dosed by epidural and it seemed to help. Once I stopped concentrating on the pain I started to feel something different. I asked KP to see if she could see anything coming out. She stated she couldn't but said that since I was feeling different we would call the residents to check me. I really didn't want to be checked because I wasn't ready for what could be going on. At the same time, she got me all cleaned as I was having some not so fun side effects from the cytotec. I know that it was her job to help me and clean me up, but it still takes a lot of a nurse, like myself, to accept this help and not be embarrassed about it.
The Midwife on call came in to check me because all the residents had left for their end of the year dinner and only the midwife and an off service resident were on. She checked me and gave me the news I wasn't quite ready to hear. I was complete with a bulging bag of water. Part of the reason I wasn't ready was because it had only been about two hours since they told me I was still closed. I figured that I would have at least another check and dose of cytotec to prepare for delivery. Yet the time had come to prepare to deliver my sweet baby. KP called the attending on that night, another doctor. She got to my room and took over for the midwife. She confirmed the midwife's check and stated I was ready to have this baby. By this time, I was crying pretty hard and not really paying attention to what was going on with me. KP stayed right by my side the whole time. She would wipe away my tears, give me little hugs and squeezes, and would keep telling me "It's ok" and "I'm here for you." All the while she was helping me I did hear her make sure everyone knew that we wanted genetic testing done on the baby and that we wanted my husband to cut the cord.
After what felt like no time at all, the doctor, who was very sweet and kind, said "I know you will never be fully ready, but do you think you can give me one push?" I cried even harder and gave her that one push. At 6:12p.m. in mid-June,my sleeping baby was born. I am not sure how long I sat there hugging my husband and crying. But everyone was great to hold back and not really do much and just let my husband and I have our moment.
After a little while I unburied my head from my husband's chest and saw KP going about her business, but I could see tears running down her face. She could see they were about to deliver the baby out of the amniotic sac and was quick to say, "You were right all along, it's a boy and he is making his dad proud." All I could do at that moment was to smile and laugh because she was right, he did make his dad proud.
They finished and collected everything they needed, and then allowed my husband to cut the cord. It was a great moment and nice that they allowed us to do everything we wanted to do. At this time, we were allowed to hold our son and grieve together. KP continued to do everything she needed to, all the while making sure we were ok and had everything that we needed. We were sad to see KP leave when her shift was over, but knew that we would be in good hands with the night shift nurse. The night shift went as well asexpected. They got us in touch with an organization that would come and
The night shift went as well asexpected. They got us in touch with an organization that would come and take pictures for us, they got amazing hand prints and molds of our sweet son's hands and helped us through the second hardest part of this process, saying our final goodbyes to our son. The next morning, we were excited to see that KP was back. She was there when we needed to vent and talk about things and was also very good at knowing when we just wanted to be by ourselves. She helped us deal with the reality that we wouldn't be taking our son home that day.
I can't even come close to expressing all of the thanks and gratitude we have towards KP and everything she did for us over those two days. I know those days weren't the easiest for her, but she handled everything beautifully and was one amazing nurse! She is so deserving of this award because of the amazing care she gave to me and the amazing care I know she gives to all of her patients.
Thank you!