Today as I leave, I have to reflect on what was the most critical part of my recovery and who was most responsible. My diagnosis is PTSD and MDD. I had an opportunity to bear all and leave all my traumas and fears and then there was more. Something I’ve never been able to explain. It was what I called the monster in me. Something I fear the most. Nameless unpredictability and the root cause of many problems, jails, fights, getting shot, and even stabbed. There have been countless times and incidents throughout my life where this monster has got the best of me.

It was a nurse, an RN who could have just walked on by one day, but she noticed. She pulled me to the side and just began to listen. At that moment, I gathered myself a little and she walked with me to her office. She allowed me to sit as she faced her computer. I sat there for a while trying to keep this monster at bay. She asked me to breathe. After a moment, she checked my blood pressure and pulse. She helped me to calm down.

She said, "let’s talk about how you feel." I had never tried that for this monster of mine. As I described it to her, she wrote down what I said. After a considerable amount of information, she made some suggestions about anxiety. The last thing I wanted was more medicine, but I became willing to give it a try. I had a little hope for an answer to a lifelong dilemma. I was slow to pursue it and 2 weeks passed while this monster built up. I went through 72 hours of going between crying to rage, then being calm to crying, and becoming angry all over again. So many staff sat through this while I wept. I am in college for Human Services and alcohol and substance abuse counseling, so I’ve researched anxiety, but this was different.

Behold, the nurse Tania had given me the name for this monster- Anxiety. Today I leave here confident and on the proper medication. She was observant, knowledgeable, and careful to suggest anything. I thank her so much! I can actually say this incident was a life-changing moment.