My son was born 6 weeks early via c-section at 3 pounds and 3 ounces. Nurse Jen, as I once called her, was assigned to my son a few days in and her care immediately stood out. I feel terrible that it has taken me a few months to write this but this experience nearly broke me and is difficult to reflect on. To this day I still can't process it all without crying. It challenged me to my core and I will never be the same because of it.

I had never felt so out of control and truly helpless. I had to trust strangers with my life and the life of my tiny son. At times I felt judged, at times I felt unimportant, and at times I felt like my son's care was not as imperative to the medical staff as it was to me. I hated to ask permission to hold my son and to re-introduce myself and our situation to so many different staff. Sitting in that small room for hours with my son hooked up to machinery made me feel like the walls were closing in. This time allowed me, an overthinker, to overthink everything, such as blaming myself, questioning racial disparities in medical treatment, and fearing the worst. Like many, I have experienced trauma in my life and dedicated myself to helping others. I have worked in Social Services for 15 years. I'm trained in processing trauma and grief and teaching others coping skills. Currently working as a Counselor with incarcerated individuals, I too felt like an "inmate" while in the NICU. In my mind, I was unable to leave this small, assigned space and I was at the beck and call of the institution's staff.

After receiving care from Nurse Jen once, I immediately knew that I had to request her to be assigned to my son because we needed her. Her energy, her presence, her expertise, and her aura were unmatched. Her level of care and true compassion caught my attention instantly. She clearly knew what she was doing and treated my son as if he was related. She spoke to me like I was the mother. She made me feel included in decisions and her confidence in me helped me find confidence in myself. She cared for me by tending to my needs while recovering from surgery and attempting to breastfeed, she made sure I was physically comfortable and helped to connect me to resources and support. She brought my spirits up each day by doing things such as encouraging me to bring clothing or blankets from home for my son and helping me decorate his room. She did things like suctioning my son's nose, caring for his sensitive skin, bathing him, feeding him, talking to him, and playing music for him. She remembered little things and celebrated our efforts and his progress with me. She spent time with him, and with me. She listened to me, she coached me, she cared.

During the night shift, my son's room was changed a couple of times and from one day to the next he wasn't wearing the clothing I brought anymore. The shock and confusion of these changes were hard for my already fragile emotions. Not to mention having feeding frustrations (feedings was what was keeping us there) and the desire to be there 24hrs but suffering from my own fatigue in addition to the need to work on paperwork with my employment and EDD, to support my stepdaughter and husband at home, and the need to prepare the house for once my son could come home. And don't forget that everyone in my life was contacting me with concern and requesting updates constantly. The worry for my son and the need to tend to multiple things at once was at times unbearable. With no one able to visit other than myself and my husband, and my husband having to return to work due to the unexpected early delivery, it had very lonely moments. Being able to have a familiar face/consistent staff gave me comfort. I trusted her with my son's life and knew she would act in our best interest which helped ease my mind.

When we finally learned that discharge was near Nurse Jen answered all of my questions and helped me prepare even though she would be off on the day we were discharged. After 19 long days in the NICU, we were released. I will always appreciate the care she provided us, so much so that I renamed her "Auntie Jen" and talk about her to my family, friends, and son regularly. Auntie Jen is walking in her purpose, is a huge asset to the medical field, and truly saved our lives for which I am forever grateful.