Paula Miller
August 2023
Paula
Miller
,
RN
ECMO
Riley Children's Health
Indianapolis
,
IN
United States
Paula held my hand in my hardest ugliest moments and pulled me forward when I couldn’t keep moving.
My son was born with a congenital heart defect, something we found out moments after his birth. He was rushed to Riley and our CHD journey began. The doctor's plan for him was straightforward, but we hit several bumps along the way. He was emergently placed on ECMO the day after his open-heart surgery. Watching our baby quickly decline was devastating. Paula was our night shift ECMO nurse for our sweet boy multiple nights in a row, even picking up a shift at the tail end of her stretch. She took such great care of our boy. I truly can’t visualize those nights without her. She was so tender and so loving with my little man. She was also thorough, organized, and attentive to every detail. She would start every shift by disinfecting everything in sight. She made sure everything was done properly. She made sure our questions always got answered. She was calm, kind, and matter-of-fact yet comforting. Paula took the best care of my boy, more than any mom could hope for in that situation. She loved on him when I wasn’t able to. For all this alone I’m so so grateful. However, I’m also deeply touched by how Paula also took care of me. I spent most nights sitting in the room sobbing, steadily spiraling to a dark place. Seeing my sweet newborn baby attached to such invasive treatments was unnatural in every way. Nothing in the world could make my pain go away. As a nurse, I knew how serious the situation was. I was stewing and overanalyzing every possible avenue this could go, every complication that could pop up... and the thought I may not be bringing my baby home crept in. During a particularly bad night, Paula came over to me and held me the way only a mother can. She let me sob, and she just held me, so tight. I hadn’t held my baby in over a week and was only able to gently touch his arms and hands by standing on a stool at his bedside. Seeing your child on ECMO is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone as a mother. All I wanted to do was hold my baby close and comfort him. But I couldn’t. One night Paula pulled me to his bedside. As she and another (amazing) nurse bathed him and changed his linens, Paula encouraged me to put my hands under him. And for the first time in many days- I could feel the weight of my baby. It was everything I needed. I got to feel his warmth…the closest I could get to holding him. I stood there and sobbed with pain and joy at the same time. I’ve never been so broken and raw in all my life. Paula held my hand in my hardest ugliest moments and pulled me forward when I couldn’t keep moving. Paula is truly an angel, I’m forever grateful.